Yesterday I posted something on Facebook that was not positive about a relationship being damaged because the other person is uncaring and rude and does not think about my feelings only their selfishness. The very first person to call me out was my Youth Leader. She wanted to make sure that I was not just venting on Facebook and that I had done as the Bible had instructed. While I had done as instructed in the Bible it was great to know that my youth leader of the past still cared about me and only wants the best for me. Here I am a grown up with grown up problems and the people in my life that still help me are the leaders from my youth. I went to a small church, we had all of 12 or 13 youth group members. Today most of us are still friends, we communicate and share our lives and our youth leaders are still here to help guide us through what life throws at us even after all these years. Thank you Tom and Karen for being there then and still being here now, thank you for answering that call so long ago.
Religion
I grew up in a religious home, went to a religious college and am now trying to live my life not as a religious person but as a Christ Follower. I like many others struggle with faith and have doubts. I know God has a plan for me, sometimes I just wish he would show it me.
Pray for Revolution Church
Monday, May 17th, 2010What I learned from Exodus this week!
Friday, April 9th, 2010
Since this week has been more of relaxed pace I had time to actually sit down and study a few passages of scripture. I camped out in Exodus and Matthew Chapter 6.
- Why did God want to kill Moses. When I read Exodus 4:24. I was taken by surprise. Never had I heard this verse read, and I don’t recall ever reading the verse; “at a lodging place on the way, the Lord met Moses and was about to kill him. But Zipporah took a flint knife, cut off her son’s foreskin and touched Moses feet with it. Surely you are a bride groom of blood.” My wonderful husband did some research and found that at the time Jews circumcised there children. Moses was going to led the people and as a leader had not followed one of the basic religious practices of the people. The made me start thinking about those who are in leadership positions or want to be that have something standing in the way of them being an effective leader. The verse just really made me think that how we all should take care of the big and little things in our lives to make us more effective for the work of the kingdom.
- Where did all the stuff come from: In the movie “The Ten Commandments” the people were packing to leave the land of bondage. I thought to myself these people are slaves they would not have so much gold, silver, live stock and other material possessions. But as I was reading Exodus I came across another verse I never heard preached upon or even read in church. Exodus 12:35-36 says, “The Israelites did as Moses instructed and asked the Egyptians for articles of silver and gold and for clothing. The lord had made the Egyptians favorably disposed toward the people and they gave them what they asked for so they plundered the Egyptians.” I wonder why preachers do not preach about this when they preach about God’s provision for his people. He made sure that the people would be cared for during their time in the dessert. This scripture would be an excellent reference for showing that in trying times God will provide all of our needs. He made the Egyptians feel favorably toward the slaves and they gave them their valuables. As a kid I always pictured the slaves roaming the dessert with only the clothing on their backs, because as a child anytime we learned about slaves we learned about the total reliance they had on their masters for everything (food, clothing, shelter). But to know that God went ahead of them and met their needs before they became needs is an awesome thought.
- All of the signs and the people still did not believe. I can not even think about living in that time and seeing all of the miracles and still doubting God. The plagues, the provision in the dessert of manna, water, parting the Red Sea. But time after time the people complained to Moses and doubted the hand of God. I have really had a personal struggle with doubting God during the last few months. I sometimes wish I had a cloud by day and night to guide my path. I wish that manna would rain down from heaven so that I could see that God still does miracles. While I do not have those visible symbols I do have faith that he is there and he does care for me. I just don’t understand the trials we are going through now. I hope that we can all have faith without all of the signs and wonders that the people of Israel had.
The Marriage Ref
Tuesday, February 16th, 2010
I have recently started seeing many previews for an upcoming show called “The Marriage Ref.” I decided to do a little research and find out what this show was all about.
Can’t understand “Children are a Gift from God”
Thursday, February 11th, 2010
Psalms 127: 3-5 Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him.
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate. (Psalms 127:3-5)
I am having trouble with these verses lately. If children are a gift from God why does it seem that many good couples can not have children but teenagers and sluts (can not think of a better word right now) have ZERO problems conceiving and carrying a baby? I can not understand why God would choose to bless and gift some but not others. I cannot understand why the cries and pleas of many women are not answered with a blessing of a child. I don’t understand why my cries are only answered about YEARS of crying. Each of our children took around 5 years to arrive from the time we decided to add them to our family until their actual arrival.
My children are both miracles, and I been told by some “so-called” Christan people that I should not have either of them because they are “stolen” gifts. Caleb is stolen because we used fertility treatments to conceive him. Madilyn is stolen because she is adopted from a woman who had been “blessed” 3 other times already at the young age of 21.
I don’t understand why women who have waited for years for a pregnancy are surprised with one only to have the baby miscarry. How is a miscarriage a gift from God? It seems a little bit like Indian giving.
Trying to process this is hard. Especially when so many people I know are having child after child, and when many people I know have lost their children. It is even harder when those who can have children see the need to flaunt it in your face every chance they get.
Christmas Letters BITE
Thursday, December 10th, 2009
So today I sat down to work on our Christmas Cards and our annual Christmas letter. After struggling for a while I decided that Christmas letters bite. People don’t want to read about the pain we are in, they don’t want to read my rambling and bragging about my kids. I pride myself on being an honest person. So in my efforts to not make Christmas sad for others, I decided to put away the fancy paper I bought and just sent cards with our names signed at the bottom.
Here’s the update:
- Madilyn’s Adoption became final
- I completed my Master’s Degree
- Caleb is doing well in school
- David is doing well in work
- We are mourning the loss of our unborn child
Hope you have a Merry Christmas. Yes, we have a lot to be grateful for, but we also have a lot to be sad about and mourn.
Alone
Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009
I feel so alone…. No one really understands how I feel and what I am going through. Its like I am suppose to just get happy and move on with life. No time for sorrow and sadness in this busy world. I just wish the pain and hurt would go away. I am trying to move on with life but find that to be such a difficult task.
Stop the ride, I want off the roller coaster!!!
Monday, November 30th, 2009
The title about sums it up. I need to get off of the ride. However, there is NO way to get off the roller coaster of life. You just have to go with the flow and make the best of it.
I am in the midst of grieving a loss that I can not understand. I don’t think I will ever understand the will of God in this situation. I can not be strong like others and say “why not me” all I can say is “why me?”
I feel like a cursed woman. To live with infertility for years is hell. To live after miscarriage is hell. To live after miscarriage and have several friends and family members announce that they are expecting is even a greater hell to live through. I know it is not their fault that my body does not work right, but my goodness wait a few days to make your announcements. Its been less than a week since my loss and I am expected to jump up and down and tell you how happy for you I am. Well I CAN NOT do that. Let me move on a little before you flaunt your happiness. Show me a little compassion.
Remember just because I can not be happy with you does not mean I am not happy for you. Give me time and eventually I will be happy with you.
Update on Previous Post
Sunday, November 22nd, 2009
1. We have decided not to pursue the Financial Decision we were considering.
2. We still need prayer concerning our Church Home.
3. Pray for me as I begin to apply for a new job. I am looking for a position as an Assistant Principal, hopefully in the county in which I am currently employed.
4. My “unspoken request.” dealt with a health issue. It is unfortunate that God did not answer this request in a way that was more favorable. I am still struggling with the events of the last 8 days. I know in time things will get better but right now I am just having trouble grasping why this situation is happening the way it is happening. Keep me in your prayers as I continue to deal with this situation.
Prayers Needed.
Tuesday, November 10th, 2009
So November is almost half over. We are as busy as ever and are seeking prayer in 4 areas.
1. We are considering making a big Financial Decision. We just need guidance to do what needs to be done. We do not want to make the wrong decision.
2. We need prayer concerning our Church Home. Our church does several things really well. Celebrate Recovery, Music and Childrens Ministry’s really are top notch. However, our family needs a Youth Program for Caleb. He needs to be able to interact and share with others his age (not in the school setting). We don’t know if we need to change churches or if we just need to continue to be patient. The last youth gathering was in May. Caleb misses having a youth group.
3. Pray for me as I begin to apply for a new job. I am looking for a position as an Assistant Principal, hopefully in the county in which I am currently employed.
4. We have an “unspoken request.” I don’t feel free to go into details right now, but just pray for us. — NO we are not getting a divorce, all is good with our relationship.
Taking a Financial Hit and having faith
Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009
David and I have been rolling along through life not being touched by the financial crisis of our nation. For us, life has gone on as normal and we have not felt the financial pressure that others have been feeling.