House of Lloyd

There are three basic types of adoption; open, closed, and semi-open.  When considering adoption the level of openness is one of the most important aspects that must be decided upon. Agencies will normally use the preferences of both adoptive parents and birth parents in order to help make matches. The type of adoption you are looking for is a personal decision, and should be carefully considered before accepting any match.

Open adoption is a plan in which parties involved exchange contact information and have regular communication. Open adoption may also include visits between the adoptive family and the birth family. Open adoptions have become more popular during the past several years. A closed adoption is a plan in which no identifying information is exchanged and there is no contact between the parties.  A semi-open adoption is a plan in which some identifying information is shared, and communication occurs several times a year. Communication is usually handled by a third party so that privacy can be maintained. Many states do not recognize or legally enforce open and semi-open adoptions so you should check out the laws in your state before entering into any adoption situation. This is especially important for birth families that are hoping to maintain contact after the adoption is finalized.

Adoptive parents should be reminded that it is unethical although not illegal in most states to say that you will have an open or semi-open adoption and then change your mind after finalization. Sometimes there are valid reasons to change the adoption agreement however, decisions to change the agreement should not be taken lightly. Everyone involved with adoption should be upfront and truthful about the intentions that they have concerning the type of adoption in which they wish to participate. Adoptive parents and birth parents should not agree to anything that they are uncomfortable with or can not follow through with. In the end all parties will suffer if the adoption is finalized and everyone is not 100% comfortable with the level agreed to communication.

One of the hardest parts of adoption was answering the questions posed by the adoption facilitators and agency workers that pertained to what would be acceptable in a placed child. We were forced to come face to face with hard questions and we had to be honest when answering these questions. It is important that prospective adoptive parents reflect on and answer posed questions honestly. (more…)

Many people have asked me “how do you find an adoptable child?”  There are many options in which a family can pursue adoption. You as potential adoptive parents will have to decide which route is best for your family. David and I tried two different avenues in our pursuit of growing our family. (more…)

Many people have asked me how to get started when it comes to adopting a child so I thought I would post a series about how David and I got started moved through the journey of adoption. The steps that we followed may be helpful to others who are thinking about adoption. (more…)

Madilyn 7 days old. The day she came to be part of our family.

Two years ago today our lives changed forever.  On July 1, 2008 at 11:45 pm we met our daughter.

I remember that day  and the day before like it was yesterday.  The excitement, the packing, the travel arrangements all done within a matter of three or four hours.  We were not “matched” for months with a due date circled on our calendar.  We had a home study that was about to expire and we had decided we would not renew because we just could not continue to be disappointed with failed matches and not being picked.  When our phone rang on the evening of June 30, 2008 we were surprised.  We were even more surprised to learn that we had less than an hour to make a decision that would forever change our lives.  After saying yes, we had only a few hours to pack and make travel arrangements in order to be in another state by the next afternoon.

We had zero time to think or plan.I guess this is why I laugh at pregnant people who think that 9 months is not enough time to get ready.  We had 3 hours– not months.  We had no cute outfits, diapers, or bottles. We had NOTHING.  Since we were open to adopting a child up to age 5, we had not made any purchases because we were not sure what age our adopted child would be.

I remember being stressed because we would not even have a nursery when we returned home. I remember getting sick on the plane praying that the birth parents would not change their minds.  I remember the awkward request we made to the hotel to place a crib in the room while we were gone to dinner because we might be getting a baby that night.  I remember the same hotel clerk tearing up when he witnessed us receiving our baby girl in the lobby of the hotel so very late that night.  I remember Caleb looking at his little sister for the first time, and David holding our tiny baby for the first time.  Most of all I remember falling in love with her even before I laid eyes on her.

I am thankful everyday, that adoption has allowed us to be parents to one of the smartest and most beautiful little girls I know.

Today is Madilyn’s second birthday.  Our family has been so blessed to have her in our lives.  She has been the source of much joy and laughter in our home.

Today, I can not help but let my thoughts drift to the questions that Madilyn may one day have that we may not have answers for.  Most children want to know about the day they were born.  If  Madilyn wants to know about that day we will not be able to answer her questions.  While we will never be able to tell her about the day she was born, we will be able to tell her about the day she came to be  a member of our family.  That day was one of the happiest days of our lives.   Sometimes I wonder about her life during the seven days before she became a part of our lives. I wish that we could have been there during her first hours and days.  Of, course our not being there does not really matter, what matters is that we are here for  her now and will continue to be here for her.

Due to her adoption situation some questions she has will most likely never have answers.  I hope that as Madilyn grows she will embrace  and find comfort in these words found in Jeremiah 29:11–  For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”

Photo by Fancy Pants Photography

When people find out that David and I have adopted we get comments like: “Wow, you are amazing,” or “You know you are saving her life,” or “What saints you are.”  There are many more comments we hear that are similar in nature to the ones previously mentioned.  I as an adoptive parent do not like it when others exalt our actions as being something more than they are.   David and I are just parents.  We are not amazing, we are not life savers, and we are definitely not saints.   (more…)

I really get irritated when people jump to conclusions about adopted children.  Yesterday, I was asked if there might be a history with my adopted daughter or her family that drove her toward being violent.  I was asked if she might have some kind of chemical imbalance.  The violence they are talking about is biting.  About two months ago Madilyn started to bite people.  She has been doing it about once a week, which in the grand scheme of things is not really too bad. However, early this week she bit two people on the same day after going two weeks without biting anyone.  Madilyn is two!  As most parents know almost all two year old children go through a biting stage.  Caleb was a far worse biter than Madilyn and no one ever told me they thought he was violent or had a chemical imbalance.

These questions irritated me  because I know if Madilyn was my biological child no one would suggest that she has a chemical imbalance.  If she were my biological child this would not be viewed as violent behavior, it would be viewed as typical two year old behavior.  Scarily, the person asking the question is currently completing a doctoral degree in Early Childhood Education.

When I show pictures of my children to people I don’t announce that Madilyn is adopted.  Friends and family know and on a rare occasion it will come up in conversation with acquaintances.  The sad part is that when it comes up in conversations people will say, “She is beautiful, what’s wrong with her that made her parents want to give her away.”  With adoption people assume that if the child is white and appears healthy there must be some other underlying health or mental issue that caused the biological parents to place the child for adoption. This assumption is not always true. I don’t want my daughter to grow up feeling like something is wrong with her because people make assumptions about her that are totally off base.  Madilyn is beautiful, smart, healthy and has a biting problem that she will learn to control. People need to quit making negative assumptions adopted children.

Throughout our adoption journey we had people warn us in very concerned tones that we could never love an adopted child like our own. People told us that it just would not be the same, and that we should be prepared to not feel the same for an adopted child as we did for our biological child. These comments hurt especially when coming from close family and friends. (more…)

I will say this and probably offend everyone who reads it, but here it is as plain as I can say it: