When David and I were planning and working toward adoption the question that made me cringe the most was “Why would you adopt instead of having your own child?”
This question is not only invasive but it is rude. Basically the person asking this question is asking about the fertility issues of the couple without actually asking. Most people assume that those who adopt have fertility issues and that is not always the case. Some families decide on adoption even if they are able to have biological children. If you have to ask the person this question you DO NOT know them well enough to hear the answer. If you know a couple on a personal and intimate level you would know the answer to this question without having to ask the question because at some point the topic would have been discussed.
The people who chose to ask me why I was adopting never really got an answer out of me. I normally would change the subject or find a way to avoid answering the question. Family and friends knew why we were adopting because it came up during the course of normal conversation.
This question also implies that a child of my own would in some way be better than an adopted child. The reality is that once the adoption is complete the child is my own. I don’t think anyone could spend any amount of time with Madilyn and say she is not my child. She has our personality traits, behaviors, our likes, and dislikes. She is a Lloyd even though she does not carry any of our genes. In the future I expect talents and personality traits from her biological parents to manifest, and that is alright, but the fact that she is adopted does not make her any less a “child of my own.”
People really need to think before asking questions. Questions about family planning are really not the business of anyone except the couple doing the planning.
I will never cease to be amazed by the questions or comments that people think are innocently asked! I’m glad that you are strong and wise enough to side step other people’s ignorance on such a sensitive subject!
What really gets me is ALL of the family planning questions: Why don’t you have kids you been married so long? People ask this and it has the power to hurt if the couple is facing infertility or miscarriage. We have several friends facing both infertility and miscarriage who have been asked these types of questions and it just really throws them for a loop. After dealing with it for 19 years these questions still hurt but I am able to face them and not let them upset me as much as they used to. I really wish people would stop and think before asking questions like this.