I am sometimes amazed at the blunt questions people will ask when it comes to adoption. Sometimes I know I must have a look on my face that says, “You did not just ask that.”
Here are a few questions that should not be asked when talking to adoptive parents.
1. How much did you pay for your child? Adoptive parents do not pay for children. Yes, they pay adoption fees, medical fees, and attorney fees to name a few of the fees. They however do not walk into a store scan a baby and plop out a credit card and pay for said baby. It is in poor taste to refer to adoption fees as paying for a baby.
2. Do you know the parents? For many this is an invasive question and worded in a wrong way. When people ask me this I want to say, “I am her parent” even when I know what they are really asking.
3. What were the circumstances of the biological parents? This question is just beyond nosy. I don’t understand why it would matter to anyone what circumstance an adoptive child came from. The thing that matters are the circumstance is the child in now.
4. Do you co-parent? Adoption is NOT about co-parenting, or shared parenting. When a child is adopted the adoptive parents become the parents of the child. Some adoptive parents opt to have visit with the birth family, this however, should not be viewed as co-parenting.
5. Don’t you hope the biological parents have more kids so you can adopt them too? I got this question about a year ago and I thought really? First off, family planning is a private matter. Most adoptive parents might like to adopt more children but to hope that they get a biological sibling may be a little too much.
A good rule of thumb is to let the adoptive child and parent lead the conversation. They will offer information that they are comfortable sharing. There is so much about our adoption that people will never know, or they will not know until Madilyn is old enough to share it herself. It is her story, so she will have say in just how much is shared.