Don’t wait to make your son a great man – make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
Today I am thankful for my son Caleb. I could not imagine having a better son than him. He is truly a gift from God. He is my miracle child, that came to us after a long and hard fought battle with infertility. (more…)
Mother’s Day can be one of the most painful days of the years for those who desire children but can’t have them. After years of struggling with infertility and the pain associated with not having a child I can relate to those who are enduring this struggle. (more…)
I am not doing well this week. I am really trying to forget and move on but it just is not happening. The fact that my sister-in-law is expecting does not help matters, along with the fact that I am still having issues from the D&C. I was doing pretty good and then last night the post of “We are having a boy” showed up on my Facebook. Great for you!! I should have found out 2 weeks ago what we were having. I know it is not their fault that I am in pain, but every time something is posted about a baby due around the same time as mine was due I just fall apart. Several weeks ago I blocked post from several pregnant people just so that I could deal and heal. I did not block this one person because they are a family member, however, for my own sanity I need to block their post for the time being.
I know that they have a right to post about the happiness they are having, but I also have a right to mourn without feeling guilty about my feelings of sadness. Mourning takes a while, and takes even longer when you are hit in the face by others expecting and with continued health issues from the miscarriage.
The title about sums it up. I need to get off of the ride. However, there is NO way to get off the roller coaster of life. You just have to go with the flow and make the best of it.
I am in the midst of grieving a loss that I can not understand. I don’t think I will ever understand the will of God in this situation. I can not be strong like others and say “why not me” all I can say is “why me?”
I feel like a cursed woman. To live with infertility for years is hell. To live after miscarriage is hell. To live after miscarriage and have several friends and family members announce that they are expecting is even a greater hell to live through. I know it is not their fault that my body does not work right, but my goodness wait a few days to make your announcements. Its been less than a week since my loss and I am expected to jump up and down and tell you how happy for you I am. Well I CAN NOT do that. Let me move on a little before you flaunt your happiness. Show me a little compassion.
Remember just because I can not be happy with you does not mean I am not happy for you. Give me time and eventually I will be happy with you.
Last year at this time we were arriving in Iowa and contacting the adoption agency, shopping for baby stuff like crazy and playing a waiting game. One year ago today we were on pins and needles wondering if we would actually leave Iowa with a newborn baby girl or if our trip had been made in vain. One year ago today I walked around in a fog happy and both scared at the same time. One year ago today we met our wonderful, happy baby girl at 11:45 pm in a hotel lobby.
Over the past years while David and I have dealt with infertility I have been told many times how strong I am. Today I feel so weak. I feel so inadequate. I can not understand how in times of sorrow, loss and anger that people can stand and be so strong. I have faith in God and I know he has a plan for my life but sometimes it is so hard to stand up and be strong. When looking at the stuff people around me have endured during the past few weeks (friends husband died, and a couple in our church lost their 14 month old) I just feel like I would never get through the losses they have suffered. Why can’t I be strong? Why am I so weak? How can I be a stronger person?