Dates on the Calendar

I had hoped that the dates on the calendar would just click by and that I would not be emotionally affected by the passing of the days this week.  I had hoped  by now I would be clicking along with life and that the day would go by unnoticed.  However that is not to be.  Today when I  pulled out my planner to mark some dates on the calendar, I saw the whited out information that had been written in the block for June 10.  All of the emotions came back. I remember so vividly writing “BABY DUE” in that block with a smile on my face.  I also remember whiting out that same information with a broken heart and uncontrollable tears.

I never expected to feel so much grief and pain this long after having experienced the initial loss. In my entire life I have never felt so alone.  At first people told us  “we are there for you”.  As time has passed  I have had continued issues due to a botched D&C I have come to realize that many people only say they are here to make themselves feel better.  Since the initial surgery I have had an additional surgery, continued infections and more sick days than well days. I have experienced physical pain like none other in my  life.  I have had days in which the pain is so bad I can not walk from my bed to the bathroom without feeling like my body is being cut in half.   I have been poked and prodded by more doctors than I care to ever know with no results coming forth in how to make my body get better.

Only a handful of family and friends have even asked how we are doing during the past several months.  People don’t know what to say so they say nothing at all which actually makes things worse.  I guess people just expect me to forget and move on.  Believe me if I could I would, however when I spend 3 out of 7 days a week physically ill I find it difficult to move on.

David has been a super hero during this time.  Even during his time of grief and not understanding my continued illness he has had to continue to work full time, as well as pick up more than his fair share of house work, cooking and keeping the kids entertained.  I am thankful that I have David as partner to lean on during difficult times.  Many marriages don’t make it through difficult times such as these.  I am so glad that we have a strong foundation and strong bonds that are helping to hold us together.

4 Responses to “Dates on the Calendar”

  1. we are praying Donna…praying that God’s love & comfort will surround you this week & always.

  2. Laura Webber says:

    Sadly, we share the same due date for babies that we have lost. Our first miscarried baby was due June 10, 2007. I’m sorry to share this date with you in this way, but I will always keep you in my prayers on this date!

  3. donna says:

    Thank you Laura. That means a lot to me and to David. It has been a difficult road for us. Especially since we never expected to find ourselves expecting. I hate for anyone to have to be a member of this “club.”

  4. Renee Michael says:

    I’m sorry that you have to go through this. I sometimes forget to ask how you are doing, but you are always in my prayers. I so look forward to checking Madi in on Sunday’s and especially when she willing to give me a hug!